Unresolved Mysteries: Winner of our “What REALLY Went Wrong?” Contest

Katherine on her first trip to England!

*

*

WINNER: “What REALLY Went Wrong Contest”

Katherine Stinson

Unsolved Mysteries: SPECIAL EDITION

The Dissolution of Anne Boleyn and Henry VIII’s Marriage.  

*

*

INTERVIEWER

Welcome back! In this special edition of Unsolved Mysteries, we’ll be talking EXCLUSIVELY to Anne Boleyn and Henry VIII to find out what REALLY caused their marriage to fall apart!

HENRY VIII

I was never married to She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

ANNE BOLEYN

Oooh, someone’s read Harry Potter!

HENRY VIII

I was FORCED to find something else to read after finishing my beloved collection of Philippa Gregory novels.

ANNE BOLEYN

Where is that lovely collection? I could really use some kindling for my fireplace!

INTERVIEWER

Do I need to get you two a referee?

HENRY VIII

Course not.

INTERVIEWER

Okay then, Henry, my first question’s for you.

HENRY VIII

Course it is.

ANNE BOLEYN

Can I ask Henry a question first?

INTERVIEWER

Hm. I suppose. As long as it doesn’t involve the words, “Fat,” “Slimy,” or, “Git.”

ANNE BOLEYN

Damn.

HENRY VIII

Why so bitter? You’re the one who made ME a cuckold! Plotted my death! Said my poetry was awful!

ANNE BOLEYN

Can’t deny that I’m guilty of that last charge!

INTERVIEWER

So Anne, would you have ever done anything differently?

ANNE BOLEYN

Not at all. I don’t regret a thing.

HENRY VIII

Really?

ANNE BOLEYN

Well the whole getting beheaded thing hurt a bit, but beggars can’t be choosers.

HENRY VIII

AT LEAST I LET YOU HAVE A SWORD!

INTERVIEWER

Henry, why did you arrange for a special executioner for Anne? Why not just use one of your axe-men?

ANNE BOLEYN

Because he felt guilty.

HENRY VIII

I DID NOT. It was less expensive, and more efficient!

THOMAS CROMWELL

No it wasn’t.

HENRY VIII

SHUT UP CROMWELL!

THOMAS CROMWELL

Shall I pull out the receipts?

HENRY VIII

You still have the receipts?

THOMAS CROMWELL

Just the important ones.

INTERVIEWER

Since you’re here Cromwell, do you mind me asking….

THOMAS CROMWELL

You are the interviewer.

INTERVIEWER

Were you really the main instigator of Anne’s arrest?

THOMAS CROMWELL

I am the King’s good servant.

ANNE BOLEYN

Didn’t another Thomas say that once?

THOMAS CROMWELL

More won’t mind. He wouldn’t want to violate the sanctity of his sainthood with unnecessary anger towards a fellow Thomas.

HENRY VIII

You certainly didn’t handle my affairs with with the other Anne very well!

ANNE BOLEYN

EHarmony would never hire you!

THOMAS CROMWELL

I stand by my matchmaking abilities.

INTERVIEWER

Henry, would you have stayed with Anne had she bore you a son?

HENRY VIII

Of course not. I had no intention of booking a one way ticket to hell.

ANNE BOLEYN

The flames of hell would never have been hot enough to melt the coldness of your heart towards me.

HENRY VIII

Poetic words will get you nowhere Anne.

ANNE BOLEYN

Was that my name I heard coming from your lips?

HENRY VIII

SHE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED! THAT’S WHAT I SAID!

INTERVIEWER

Sureeeee you did. And I’m the Queen of England!

ANNE BOLEYN

Given Henry’s marital record, I wouldn’t be surprised if you actually were!

THOMAS CROMWELL

There’s that Boleyn sass we all know and love!

HENRY VIII

Harrumph. You’ll be getting no love from me.

INTERVIEWER

And I suppose I won’t be getting any answers from ANY OF YOU?

ANNE BOLEYN

Sorry dear. We’re still trying to figure everything out ourselves.

INTERVIEWER

Well, at least answer me this. Anne, did you truly love Henry? And Henry, did you ever truly love Anne?

ANNE BOLEYN

Yes. Yes, I did.

HENRY VIII

I have the right to remain silent!

THOMAS CROMWELL

Aw. Does anybody love me?

INTERVIEWER

Sorry Cromwell, you’re another interview entirely!

(ASIDE) I suppose the mystery of Anne and Henry has yet to be unraveled. At least historical fiction novelists can rest easy, knowing that one of history’s most volatile couple’s can’t even figure out the answer themselves.

HENRY VIII

WHY COULDN’T EHARMONY HAVE BEEN INVENTED SOONER?